My July Goals

July is probably my favorite month of the year. My birthday is this month, great weather, Stampede and just overall good vibes (shit millennials say). I’m one of those people that needs to set goals, but I usually always fall short of them. I am, however, figuring out how to see progress even if it’s very small.

  1. Get a third job (preferably retail or food industry)
  2. Lose 9 lbs (very doable with my height and weight)
  3. Read 2 books
  4. Save $700 in the bank
  5. Find a house for the fall
  6. Attend church 2 times

I will look back at the end of the month to see what I did or did not get done. I will be happy with whatever progress I make.

Thanks for reading xoxox

Canada turns 150: My experience

I’ve lived in Canada my entire life, so when my home turned 150 years old, I wanted to participate. My boyfriend and I spent the entire day going to different festivities. Canada is one of the only days a year I am ever patriotic so I went all out.

First stop we went to Confederation Park to see the opening of the time capsule from 1967. My boyfriend was especially excited for this event. We woke up early and were luckily in walking distance to the park. The event was supposed to commence at 11:00 a.m., but after numerous speeches and singing “O Canada” and time rolling to 11:45 a.m. did we get to actually see the time capsule. We were pretty disappointed to see that the time capsule only contained some 1967 coins and a couple newspapers.

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Next, we went downtown to see all the attractions. They weren’t lying when they said that there would be lots to do. There was booths, performers, educators and more all along the downtown. I was pretty impressed with it all. There also happened to be an anime convention going on which was cool to see all the costumes. During these types of events we are usually unsure of what we will be able to eat, but luckily at a food truck they sold vegan corn dogs and vegan poutine which was delicious!

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After spending many hours at all the attractions, we met up with some friends at a pub. To say the pub was crowded would be a huge understatement. This pub was extremely packed, but we luckily found a table. The service, however, was exceptionally awful (I know it’s one of their busiest days). We spent majority of our time there trying to track down a waitress or waiter and when we asked for the bill we received dirty looks. All in all it was a fun time.

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We got out of the pub just in time for the free concerts to start. We all wanted to see Tegan and Sara, who are arguably the most famous musicians from Calgary. Of course, they had an opening act who also happened to be from Calgary, Michael Bernard Fitzgerald. For an opening act Michael was decent, although I do think he dragged out his performances a little too long. He had really good vocals and sounded just as he did on his recordings. Tegan and Sara finally hit the stage and they were phenomenal! The visual show was great and they sounded great. I also really liked how they left their most popular songs until the end. During the shows, people threw light up sticks into the crowd, which people waved around during the show. My boyfriend was really into this and was able to get 3 of them.

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Next Nenshi, our mayor, said another speech and hit a magic button which set off the fireworks. These fireworks were incredible and lasted for nearly 40 minutes! During the fireworks, Canadian music from the 60s, onward was played which made it extra special. I felt like I was in a movie. I was with those I love and celebrating my country with the city’s community (which doesn’t happen a lot). All in all it was a day well spent!

Thanks for reading xoxoxox

Stop thinking and live

This is something I have had a hard time with for a while. Living in the moment, being in the hear and now, focusing on today, whatever you want to call it. I spend way too much time thinking about the future or dwelling about the past and I have a sneaky suspicion that I’m not the only one.

Dwelling on the past:

My past, especially my childhood and adolescence, was very hard. I spent a lot of my time daydreaming of the future and imagining everything would magically be prefect once I turned eighteen. Boy was I wrong. I didn’t realize that hard times don’t resolve themselves once you turn a certain age. I really try to forget about my past and move on, but of course for me that would just be too easy. I often find myself like a broken record going back and being upset and wanting to rant about things that happened years ago. It’s like I remember something and feel like I haven’t completely been as upset as I should be about it. To make things even harder, I also have post traumatic stress disorder which can make moving forward nearly impossible. I have a lot of triggers that can take me to flashbacks where I literally believe I am back in a certain time period. I also have had a lot of periods of dark depression where I spent my time laying in bed. I often feel guilty about how much of my life I have “wasted”.

Thinking about the future:

As I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of my past daydreaming about the future. As you could imagine I had a lot of high expectations and as you expected nothing went the way I fantasized. I am also a really big planner. Every night before I go to bed I plan out the next day and I have everything that is happening on my little calendar. This has been really beneficial for school, but not so beneficial when it comes to taking things slow. I now am not living and enjoying the moment, but rather thinking of everything that is coming ahead. It’s like my whole life is one big to-do list sometimes.

How I plan to live in the present:

-listening and enjoying the sounds of music, nature and other surroundings

-taking deep breaths when things seem like they’re going too fast

-not planning so far ahead

-thinking only about what is happening on the current days

-no naps unless during exam season

-prayers and Bible time daily (this seems to slow things down immensely for me)

This will definitely be a task for me, but life is too damn short to not enjoy!

Thanks for reading xoxoxo

Am I doing this right?

For anyone who has kept up with my blog for a while I’m sorry this is yet another rant about how I’m unsure of things. I’m a twenty something student. What did you expect?

I’m a psychology major at university. Everyone who knows this tells me it’s a “stepping stone” degree. I suppose what they mean is that you can branch off into many different fields with it. I’ve thought lots about what I will one day do with my degree in progress and I’ve seriously considered clinical psychology, neuropsychology, social work and most recently child psychology. The thing is I don’t think I’d succeed in any of them.

I quickly ended up vetoing clinical psychology mainly because you need a 3.9 GPA to even be considered, but mainly because I think I would be constantly triggered by my clients. As one with lots of mental health issues myself, it would be difficult to try and help someone with the same thing as me. Also I’m a terrible listener. Neuropsychology was a brief thought that quickly disappeared when I realized I really dislike neuroscience. I don’t care about axons and dendrites, okay? Social work is one I still say I’m most interested in, but I realized I would probably be way too emotional seeing people in awful situations. Lastly, child psychology interested me because I have mad baby fever and anything to do with babies or toddlers excites me greatly.

This summer I’ve taken on two jobs that are supposedly “more in my field”. Honestly anything other than retail is what I was aiming for. I’m a nanny and I also do respite work. I thought these jobs would be easy considering I have lots of experience with the disabled due to my brother and experience with children due to spending lots of time with my boyfriend’s siblings and nephew. It’s not what I expected. The first nannying job of the summer I was “let go” due to financial issues, but I think otherwise. I’m pretty hesitant around small children and I became really exhausted after a few hours. I’m always exhausted after taking care of kids and I actually thought this would’t happen. Yes I’m naive, but I thought I’d love it and never get tired and want to come back everyday. I don’t. This has really worried me considering I dream about one day (in the far off future) becoming a mom to my own kids. Will I suck at it? Will I just be exhausted all the time?

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m a bit disappointed that I’m not a “natural” at the whole kids thing. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s honestly changed my thoughts on what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m the type of person who needs to plan things. I plan what I need to get done each day every night before I go to sleep. I don’t like having my future have a big question mark. I’m sure things will work out and that God will show me what I’m meant to do.

Thanks for reading xoxoxo

 

World’s Worst Christian

The title describes me as a person to a tee. People literally burst out laughing when I say I’m religious.

I “became” a Christian nearly 7 years ago in a school gymnasium crowded with sweaty teenagers. I had been raised in a Christian household, but I never really got the whole Jesus thing. I had heard committing your life to God was going to change your life and your ways forever and honestly… it did. My 14 year old “ways” flipped 180. I stopped cussing, sneaking out of the house, and reading smutty novels. I decided I was done with the school I was going to (and doing bad things) and enrolled right away in Christian school. I prayed constantly and read devotions every morning. I was very outspoken about my new faith and shared it on Facebook (this was 2010 ok). Life was going in the right direction…

Honestly, the first couple years of my faith were good. I was following all the rules without question and attended church every week.. sometimes more than once. Things started to change when I entered my last year of high school. I began to question things. I really started disagreeing with a lot of the things my Christian school was teaching. I began despising the “hypocrites” that led worship in chapel one day and then snorted cocaine the next. I began distancing myself more and more from the charismatic Christian people I was once so drawn to.

Flash forward roughly four years and I’m a mess. I’ve done nearly all the “worst” things a Christian could do. Drugs, sex, alcohol, stealing, you name it and I’ve probably done it. All this time I’ve still been a Christian. How can this be? Well, this is what I’m trying to figure out.

My parents say I’ve strayed from my faith, but in actuality I’ve become much stronger in it. Me questioning things has made me realize and validate what I truly believe in. Me messing up has caused me to lean on God for forgiveness and grace. I have learned so much these past years that it has made me a stronger person.

“You’re not really a Christian if you do blank” some people say. Who is to judge but God himself? If you look through the Bible ALL of the people (excluding Mary) were complete messes. Knowing this has made me realize that God can still use me and love me even if I’m not perfect. I may not be the “perfect” Christian to some people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a growing relationship with God!

I will happily take the title of the “worst”. I know what I have done (and will do) is wrong and I’m doing my best to improve, but sometimes I mess up. Paul the apostle, who is seen by most as one of the most beloved followers of God even claimed this of himself as “the worst”.

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners: of whom I am the worst” 1 Timothy 1:15

Thanks for reading xoxoxo

My Eating Dilemma (as of late)

Honestly this post is going to be a mess and have no conclusion, so here is your cue to leave if you’re not into that.

I’ve struggled on and off with eating disorders since I was 8. Yes you read that right, I was in Grade 3 when I first started “extreme dieting” which turned into anorexia real quick. Fast forward almost 13 years and I’m still dealing with the same thing: trying to figure out how to eat healthy without me falling back to my old ways.

In November 2016 I made a huge change in my diet by going completely vegan. It started off amazing. I had stopped binging on unhealthy food and then purging 20 minutes later. I had lost nearly 20 lbs in less than 3 months. I felt the best I ever felt about my body. Sadly, I fell off track in late March/early April when I was going through a stressful and toxic living situation (read my post “Life isn’t fair… it really isn’t). I gained about 7-8 lbs and that’s kind of where I am now.

I’m eating vegan and trying to focus more on eating whole plant foods the majority of the time. I am also tracking calories and macros. I decided that my body at 5’9 needs more than 1,200 calories a day to function so I upped my intake to 1,500 a day. This seems great and I should have no problems with this, right? Wrong.

I have a horrible habit of binge eating at night. This was made very clear to my lovely boyfriend this past weekend. We ate healthy vegan/vegetarian meals together at his house or at his family’s house and less than an hour after we ate I would be raiding the pantry for food. Why? I was just hungry. My head hurts when I’m hungry and if I have access to food there is no stopping me. I usually don’t like corn pops, but I managed to eat a whole jumbo sized box of them this weekend which seriously pissed off my boyfriend. I felt like shit after and my headache did not go away. I am now carrying Tylenol with me and having some before bed to stop my hunger headache. I wish Tylenol could cure my head from constantly thinking about food and how much I will weigh in the morning.

So my question (I am seeking suggestions here, don’t be shy people) is… Does anyone else have this hunger headache problem? What are some very filling vegan foods I should try? How do I stop CONSTANTLY thinking about food/how much I currently weight? Any techniques on how I can break this habit of night eating?

Thanks for reading xoxoxoxo

Behind in Life?

This is the post that every twenty something (mainly females) will make. I will try and not sound like everyone else, but I’m a very unoriginal person so this might be a hard task.

One of my former high school friends got married over the weekend at the ripe age of twenty one. I’m twenty one this summer. See where I’m going with this? My mom always told me that my twenties would be the decade of my life where I would see all my friends and peers get married and starting families and so far she has not been wrong. Since graduating high school three years ago, I’ve had so many of my peers either get married or have kids or both. Whenever I see this a little voice in my head goes “wow, you’re really behind”.

I’m a full time student with a steady relationship with someone I love very much. I have a hard time remembering to take my pills, change my underwear and brush my teeth. I usually have Dr. Pepper for breakfast most days and making my own appointments is a huge achievement for me. The fact that people my age can take care of themselves, their husband/partner and another tiny human being baffles me to no end.

Whenever I see a peer post on social media about taking care of their young one or their marriage it always makes me feel like I’m not where I should be. These people seem so mature and adult-like. Where did I go wrong to be so behind them? Even talking to these peers in person, it always feels like they’re 10 years older than me rather than the same age. I feel like I can’t relate to them and we have lost all things we ever had in common. But that’s just it…

People are different. I’m in one place in my life and they are in a different one. I’m perfectly content being a slightly lazy (hardworking obviously) student and they are content with being a spouse and/or parent.

Who came up with the ideals of where someone should be at a certain point in life? No point in life is superior to the other. Pressure to go one way or the other needs to stop asap! Honestly if someone is pressuring you to do something in general just say NO and then silently wish the worst extents of explosive diarrhea on them and move on.

Also, social media is a nasty little prick and lots of people only showcase the good parts of their situation (extremely guilty of this myself). Who knows? Maybe they forgot to give their kid a bath in three weeks or maybe they have Dr. Pepper for breakfast just like you. Or maybe someone has just graduated from college and has a job in place and it looks so glamorous and fulfilling, but in actuality they hate the field they are in and are dreading going to work everyday. It goes both ways.

All I know is I am trying my best to make the most of the point of life I am in right now and I hope whoever is reading this will try to do the same (I’m legit a motivational speaker please hire me).

Thanks for reading xoxoxo